I’m glad you’re back because today we’ll begin to tackle the real deal – gloves off! Are you ready?
Then let’s get going. I wanted to ask you: why are you single? It’s a hard, unfair question, isn’t it?
I know, I know… I’ll put it slightly differently…
How could it be that the girls you went to school with, who are much less pretty or successful than you are already married and posting gooey pictures of cute little kids on Facebook and Instagram – and you, the successful, alluring woman with the great sense of humor, can’t find your one?
You tried it all: you wrote up dating profiles, you dated through work, you even let your grandma set you up with her pedicurist’s son who she doesn’t even know just because “he’s a good boy with his head on straight” (I know, I lived that), and all this just so you won’t stay alone…
I’ll go even further: you’ve started doing spiritual work on yourself, you already understand that like attracts like. You hung the photo of your dream guy over your headboard, you’ve prepared an extensive list of precise qualities of the man (or woman) you want to attract into your life, you’ve tried everything – and yet, something never clicks…
I’d like to acquaint you with a powerful tool that could bring about that change.
Let’s start by asking some questions:
- What are the pros and cons of being single?
- What do you gain? What do you lose?
- What are you willing to part with?
I invite you to take five minutes – that’s all, just five minutes, even right now – pause the video – go ahead, I won’t be mad – and light a candle and take a few moments to meditate on these questions:
What is the price that you pay, and what are your gains as a single woman?
(a few moments of soft music)
I’m glad that you’re back.
My teacher, Noga Bar, claims that the answer to that question lies in the phrase: “concession”.
As in: I concede my desire for a relationship because more than I want to find a relationship I want…
Complete that sentence: more than I want to find a relationship, I want…
- My freedom.
- My independence. Maybe… to enjoy the thrills of singledom? Or maybe: to be desired… Perhaps: more than I want to be in a relationship, I fear to become “the little woman”.
Or maybe I’m afraid to lose my career?
- My solitary comfort?
- Am I afraid to gain weight?
Can you see any of these in yourself?
I found all of them in myself. I found myself disqualifying men who, at the time, seemed wrong for me, and now when I’m in a different place, I ask myself: actually, why didn’t it work out?
Now, I think that those relationships failed not because of them, but more because of me and my perceptions of who I was and what relationships can be. I remember going out once with a very nice guy. He wasn’t my type, but we dated. We met in a nice quarter in Tel Aviv, at a neighborhood coffee shop. for the life of me, I can’t remember his name.
Anyway, my friend calls me, and then the guy I am supposed to date calls me and I am in a playful mood, so I’m flipping between both calls. My friend asks me “So who are we dating today?” You see, even then I was a serial dater… And I answered “Today it’s the accountant. (I didn’t even say his name, just his title. How undignified of me.)
Well, I’m the accountant, says his voice from the phone… and there I was, choking on my own foot.
You don’t need to go too far to understand that the date wound up being very uncomfortable. The more squirmed and tried to apologize, he just sat there, very respectfully, but the situation was so awkward. I had made him feel bad, like he was just another name on a list.
It goes without saying that he never called me back.
I realized something very important about myself. I realized that I date men who aren’t right for me because I’m looking for the thrill of being wooed, I wanted to be liked and admired. And that’s not bad, that’s perfectly fine, it’s just that at the end of the day, that makes me preoccupied with myself and not with looking for the right guy for me…
And beyond that, I realized something very important about dignity, about basic human dignity which is beyond honor or respect. I realized that I hadn’t seen that guy as a person deserving of respect – just because he’s a person; regardless of whether I like him or not, or whether he’s right for me. Just because he’s a human being. And moreover, despite my embarrassing behaviour, he did treat me with respect, sat with me the whole evening, and picked up the tab.
I learned something from that guy, and I think that date turned my thinking around. Since then, I treated everyone with respect, even if they tried to hurt me – and why?
First off, even if it winds up not working out, I maintain my dignity.
But mainly to keep in line with my inner moral compass, and to keep from getting dragged into places of disrespect – so that I can live with myself in peace, and look in the mirror and see a good person. To keep my dignity.
No matter what the person in front of me will do, I will always maintain my center, I will respect them, so that I can respect myself.
I’d love to hear from you about your “concessions”, about why you “concede” and what holds you back from finding your relationship…
And one last thing, before you go. Smile at yourself in the mirror. You are lovable and charming, and you are in the midst of an exciting journey of self-advancement towards an empowering relationship.
Last modified: November 28, 2017