It is a relationship which takes into account that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts; meaning that the couple is bigger than the two people who make it up. But that is not all that is important: each partner exists as an independent whole, each empowering themselves, and empowering the other. They are not co-dependent, meaning that each of them can live their separate lives – but when they come together, they increase each other’s gains and validate the fact that the whole that they create is greater than each of them separately.
You may think that people today don’t want relationships! We look around, and we see divorce rates climbing, and more and older bachelors and bachelorettes. Still, people don’t seem to find themselves in a relationship, or more importantly, in a relationship which empowers them.
What does that mean? It means that to this day, there was no model that fit people on the personal level, on the couple’s level, and on the societal level; no model that fit individual people, that fit couples, or that fit the complex values and expectations that society and peers throw into the mix. We are living in a fascinating time of change on all these levels. Imagine more and more couples building their relationships based on just such a model. Wouldn’t you want in as well?
I’m talking about a powerful relationship, as derived from the idea of a “Powercouple”, but with another facet: the Empowering that partners can do for each other.
My model addresses relationships where there is equality among partners. You can be different and bring different qualities to the table, but as I already said, both partners feel so powerful and empowered by each other, that the relationship becomes a safe and energizing space for them.
The 10 rules of a Mpowercouple
- Commit! -You must decide that you want to be together, and sign on; be it a religious or civil ceremony, rabbi or priest, or even just an independent ceremony, where you sign a note and throw a party. You must begin building the foundations of this business which is called: you.
- Build inclusive communication – speak, discuss, listen, avail yourselves. Be communicative, otherwise, no one will know what are your desires, secret fantasies, complaints, difficulties. Even in times when things aren’t going according to plan, you can learn to adapt to constraints using inclusive communication.
- Set ulterior goals – Love is not looking into each other’s eyes; Love is looking together in the same direction. Set common goals. You need each other to achieve your personal, relational and familial goals. Make sure that your goals are dynamic, adaptable, and are suited to both partners. You both have equal say in deciding who’s responsible for what through dialogue and shared decisions. If one of you is resisting or unready to take on these goals, stop. Rethink them. This will not work if only one side enlists while the other trails behind.
- Set a date – it is important to set a timeframe for achievement of your personal and shared goals. Decide on stops along the way, points in time for pause and reappraisal. And remember to be patient: there are better and worse times for execution of plans. It could be that your plan needs time for things to change, for school to end or for kids to grow up. And when the time is right – full steam ahead!
- Gain strength from your partner’s strengths – a relationship can be greater than the sum of its parts. Respect your differences, even if you don’t like some of your partner’s different qualities. If you do, you can enlist these qualities to your advantage, gaining empowerment as you go. Don’t try to change them – use them! When we are often disheartened by certain qualities in a partner, they are often the same ones we fell in love with at the start. Divide tasks between you so that each partner does what they do best.
- Specialization – encourage your partner to find areas they excel in, and to specialize in them. Work to entwine your specializations and create a force to be reckoned with.
- Encouragement – support each other; find your best qualities and the best aspects of challenging situations. We all have moments of self-doubt, moments of failure when we need to hear encouragement rather than criticism. It is as important to find out what your partner needs in times of trial, as it is to find out what they need in moments of success. Be there for them – give them what THEY need, not what you think they should get.
- Use the ladder system – choose one of you, and allow them to begin building themselves; take on your share of the load to allow them this. During this stage, think about your big jump, what it is you’d like to be doing when your turn comes up. When your partner is entrenched, it is their turn to shoulder the load and allow you to leap forward. Remember: each advancement must be in service of your shared goal, and for the betterment of the relationship. Use your stops along the way to appraise your progress.
- Spend quality time, together and by yourself – Do things you love to do together: travel, take picnics, go running… fall in love again, so as not to lose touch with what brought you here in the first place. Take some quality time for yourselves as well, so as not to lose yourself in the relationship. Remember, even alone you are a whole, not a half.
- Go to single’s and/or couples’ counseling – you make sure to get your car maintained periodically, to give it the right gas and get the oil changed. It’s obvious that if you don’t, your car will drive badly, and ultimately die. Your relationship is the vehicle that transports you through the journey of shared life, so why shouldn’t you care for it the same way? Counseling allows you to choose which way you want your relationship to go – to navigate your shared and personal development while still keeping sight of your goals, or finding new ones. Counseling will also allow you to work on your habits of communication, which are the base of any Mpowercouple.
Last modified: November 28, 2017